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Nim Chimpsky taught us all we know about language. Before he shared his wisdom, we were just blabbering nonsense until he blocked our pathway to doom with a gilded mirror. If you see him in a zoo, you should thank him, but don't even glance at his young human wife because he might stop teaching at the university, and then we'd stay chained to doom. I put some of his cloned dna into my coffee every morning (to make it taste better). "Eat the treat monkey!" Einstein couldn't even speak until he was four years old. Nim Chimpsky is fed only blueberries and beetles because it makes his poop taste better. There is an annual banquet. Register online!

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I'm beginning to think you're a chip off the old block. You're silly; what's there to be afraid of? Nothing! Nothing! The whole is nothing! I'll tell you what I wished for on the moon. I myself never asked where the money I spent came from. Is it a bad omen, or what? How can I convince you? I just have one longing and it seems to grow stronger and stronger. The only way to find out those things is to make discreet inquiries at the proper moment. I don't know quite how to tell you. It's all mixed up with so many things. Maybe I've got no call to be saying this. A sober black shawl hides her body entirely. Doesn't it seem to sting you? I think it's simply immoral to fight a duel, or even to be present at one as a doctor. Nanny, will you give him a piece of cake? I feel all right. We all love you. I won't speak to you---until you apologize! For a thousand years in my sight are but as yesterday. [he chants]

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I built a miniature coliseum terrarium for butterfly battles! I invited over some buddys to watch the ruthless butterfly war and eat Donkey Fried Chicken. Susie brought over a chocolate chip cookie cake shaped like an old-school boom-box with icing knobs and blinky lights and stuff. Why the hell did I decide to do this at 3:45 am? It's just the kind of event to make you question the banality of evil. (It's difficult to tell if a rat is depressed - they are not given to crying fits and writing angsty poetry.) That's the biggest pile of Barbi arms I've ever seen! I like to put on swimming goggles and start drinking a fresh tub of cola from the center because it is the purest taste experience. Blowing soap bubbles as a child taught me that the most beautiful of things are the most transient. A poet once said "Look, the trees are turning their own bodies into pillars.". Yeah, DUH, like SO WHAT! I know what I need to do! I'm gonna get a tattoo of a lighthouse on my...